Life and it’s meaning

“Here, I am going to tell you about how I found my own meaning in life. You may happen to be someone like me and might actually find your own meaning through reading this blog. If you don’t want to read the stories of my life you can stop right here. Have a good day my friend”

I was born in a small town in Central Asia which used to be an isolated little town no one ever heard about at the time. I remember growing up basically with no parental supervision. When I was growing up our economy was so bad that very few parents had the time to really look after their children. At age 12, I learnt how to smoke cigarettes and probably about the same time period tasted my first alcoholic drink. Despite the vices I was trying to pick up, I was a weak little child who was bullied by bigger boys. Boys of my age were too big and scary, so I made friends with usually smaller children. Besides me being small, my parents moved a lot within the town and with each move I had to make new friends and classmates which basically formed my adult character of always being the one standing outside the friends circle. It probably influenced me to look at my life from a third person point of view.

There was only one place I was truly happy. It was my mind. As a child, I used to watch a lot of kung-fu movies and later it led me to watching a lot of American movies. When I was not watching all those heroic action, I used to daydream about myself being that tough guy. I used to punch at the wall of my room, so that my knuckles become harder. But whenever I was faced by a real danger in the street posed by bullies, I chickened out. I was never that popular guy at school who would get all the girls’ attention. Plus, I used to have bad eyesight and was required to wear glasses. No nerdy owls were popular at the time.

Soon that childhood desire of becoming that tough and popular guy dissolved as I grew up and started facing the realities of living in an economically struggling country as a futureless young adult. When it was time for me to choose a college, I did not have much choice. The only legitimate colleges were already full with kids whose parents had connections. I was left with “scam” colleges that were only after money. At college, I learnt nothing, but socializing with kids who were not interested in anything academic. I decided to quit my college after only one year.

I started working in various places as a waiter, bar tender, security guard and cab driver. During this period, I met a lot of different people from all walks of life. I started understanding life. At one point, I met a drunk police captain trying to buy prostitutes and failed to negotiate the price. He asked me to drive him to his home. When I knocked on the door to tell his family that I brought him and I needed my money because I was a taxi driver, I was shocked to see his beautiful wife and daughters. At another occasion, I was involved in a traffic accident where my car was hit by another car coming through a red light. I asked for compensation. The old man who was driving that car brought me to his home and his wife had to bring me one hundred dollar bill from under the mattress of an old crackling bed. They were poor old couple. I probably took their life’s savings. I felt sad and disgusted with myself afterwards for a while.

By my early 20s, I was already an obsessive gambler. I sometimes would lose my week’s salary and sit in the dark alone staring at the sky, wondering who I was and why my life sucks so much. The only friends I had were gambling friends. If I did not lose so often, they would have easily kicked me out of their friend circle. I never had a real girlfriend until I was 28. Even the first girlfriend I had was someone’s estranged wife and after a short period of making me the happiest person on earth, left me for good for her ex husband.

When I was 29, I looked in the mirror and had this strange experience of kind of being out of my body or more realistically looked at myself as if I were looking at another human being. I saw a broken human being. Tilted head because of some misaligned neck bones, bad eyesight, missing tooth, built extremely skinny and lightweight and plus an aged appearance. It was an honest assessment of my health and socio-economic status as an adult human being. I promised to myself at the time to never give up exercise and always take care of my health.

At age 32, I was married and had a son. The promise I made to myself when I was 29, was broken. I ignored my needs and ambitions. I lived for my son and wife. I was a very happy person. But it did not last very long. Soon, I discovered that I was in no way compatible with my wife and her materialistic outlook on life. Finally, my impulsive behavior and sense of pride kicked in and I was on my own separate way by age 34. This time, it was a critical stage of my life. I was suddenly an older version of me when I had this out of body experience in front of a mirror 5 years ago. I was a broken human being-depressed, broke, lonely and in bad health. I started suffering from insomnia. My gambling addiction became worse. Instead of sitting with people on the table, I used internet. I was alone all the time at home gambling my days away. No one wanted to hire me. I started to feel useless.

I started looking for meaning in my life. I watched a lot of inspirational lectures online, psychological documentaries and video blogs. I listened to hundreds of hours of podcasts about life and still couldn’t find a meaning. I was never a religious person and I was hundred percent sure that no religion will help me. The only thing that kept me from becoming self-destructive, was the fact that my mother was still alive and checked on me every now and then by calling and that I still had a little bit of hope that one day my son will look for me and I did not want to appear like a loser when I meet my son. In fact, I wanted to be powerful old man and be of some use to my son in his struggling life as a young adult man.

It was easier to say than done. I am and will probably be a loser. Like someone who did not play the cards that I was dealt by god from birth, the right way. Every step I take in my life turned out to be in a wrong direction or in vain. As I was falling into the abyss of self loathing, I started noticing some small things in life. I noticed certain foods made me feel really good. I noticed certain movies made me feel good. I listened to songs that I used to appreciate. I wanted to start doing the activities that I used to enjoy. All these small things actually started making a difference in my life. The freedom and the ability to do those things were the meaning of my life. I am still able to enjoy life and I am free to do it. I look forward to the next day of my life now. Smell of those wet grass after a rain, beautiful mountain visuals my country offers me whenever I get out of the city a few miles. The great people, I might come into contact as my days pass by. Even the worst human beings poses me a challenge to overcome and exercise my people skills. If you ask me now about the meaning of life, I will say it exists in the “willing mind” which is fueled by little pleasures of everyday life.